Thursday, November 5, 2009
A good old fashioned gripe session
Today was a bad day for Jackson, and so I have a grudge against today. First of all I don't know if I have mentioned that Jax is turning out for 8th grade basketball, against my better judgement. But he is and he has been pretty happy to feel a part of things, and not just the 'ball' boy. But things aren't easy for him, he is tired and run down from Chemo and low blood counts. He doesn't have the coordination he had before ND CNS LCH and I knew this, and I thought he did too. Everything is more of a struggle when your brain isn't processing normally, school-hard, sports-hard, emotionally-hard. I never thought he would make the "A" team and he, of course, didn't. He is on the "B" squad, and Michael and I are quite proud of him, how many kids are in Chemo with Neuro degeneration disease playing sports---we think he is great. But he doesn't, he is frustrated, disappointed, and confused. He has been shooting hoops since he was literally old enough to stand at 11 months. He used to have a beautiful shot and he is mad he doesn't anymore, he is sick of not feeling like himself. Then he got home and saw his report card, more tears---it's not that bad he had A's,B's and a C. But this too is not what he thought he should get, in his words he is working harder and longer on school work then he ever has and now he is getting worse grades than he ever has before. I almost started in on my "you are so blessed blah, blah, blah," speech but I looked at his face and just started to cry with him. Yes I know others are worse off, I know other kids get worse grades, don't make the team at all, but today I am just mourning for my sons' loss of self, for his disappointments and his frustrations. I guess it's o.k. as long as tomorrow we count our blessings and get on with it. I hope he can continue to count his blessings, I hope he will rise above, and not sink below, I hope he gets stronger from adversity, and not weaker. I think I better stop, this is a ridiculous pity party on paper.
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10 comments:
So glad you had time to invite me to your pity party. I haven't been to one in a long time and so decided to have my own tonight...... Your party was so much more fun because you have the cutest boy in Royal at your party. Jackson I need you to come to my party. Jackson is at the top of all my lists.
Handsome-#1
wonder brother- #1
super son- #1
super grandson=#1
friend-#1
golf cart driver-#1
Best smile around-#1
Girl watcher-#1
most boy watched-#1
I could go on and on but I know Jax is bored with hearing he has an old lady as a #1 fan. Just remember you have the power! Love you, AD
You have all the right in the worlsd to blow off steam and pity. I know you will handle all this with love and strength. Jackson is a wonderful boy and he will too be able to deal with all this I pray. I am so proud of him for all his accomplishments, he does not give up. Hang in there all of you and all my love and prayers are sent you way.
I love a good pity party- who doesn't? Now just put it begind and focus on all the blessings like you said. Can't wait to see him out there shootin' hoops :) Sending hugs and kisses your way!
We all have those crummy days. I'm proud of Jax that he doesn't seem have many of those crummy days especially when he has every right to have them more often. We love you guys and even though it's not what you want to hear right now, Jax, we are so proud of you and think you are the strongest, bravest, kindest guy around. See you in about 45 days!
I love that you sat and cried with him. How awesome for him to know that you hurt for him and when you're 14 and hurting you don't want the 'blessings' lecture every time you feel let down. You can't stay strong every second. A pity party helps you refocus. At least to me but what the heck to I know? I know this, you are amazing and do know you are blessed and that's why today, I know you picked up and carried on. Jax will too. Love you guys to pieces. You're always in our prayers!
There is always a time and a place for a pity party! Like Melanie says, it helps us refocus to get it all out! I am so proud of you guys for your strength, and ability to look at the positive even though it is so hard. Jackson is so lucky to have you and Michael as parents, and you are so lucky to have him. You in our prayers daily, usually more! Can't wait to see you tomorrow! Hope you have a good project figured out for me!
Oh - that made me cry! You are such an amazing mother, so in-tune with Jackson's needs. I am so impressed that he tried out for the basketball team in the midst of all his trials. What an amazing kid!
Wow, I didn't see this coming. Jackson has been so "up" the past nine weeks. I wish I would have read this post before I told him he looked pale and tired tonight, I'm sure that didn't help. It must be real tough for him to suddenly realize what this has done to him, having the grades and basketball all happen in one week. He really has been amazing through this and he is still my hero. Don't let it get you down Jax, things will get better- it may take longer than we all want it to, but it will happen!
I am a friend of Shelli's and Katie Alred's... this post made me cry. I will pray - For you and for him. For healing, for a good attitude... but it is ok to cry with your kids... and to be frustrated together.
I love how Melanie put it...we are all entitled to a pity party once in awhile and the fact that you sat with your son and cried too, priceless. We all want to be strong for our kids, but in reality, they do need to see that we have feelings too and times when we are scared. God will only give you as much as He thinks you can handle. Your faith is pulling you through this. Hugs to you from the Miller's.
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